Friday 1 June 2012
" A friend with breasts and all the rest"
Hellooooooo everybody. I'm reet happy tonight! having said that I could reet do with someone to give/ show/ some love, someonwe who is not a blokey friend but someone in possesion of some breasts.
Thursday 27 October 2011
It's a feeling like nostalgia keeps me turning back to you
Hello. I'd update more often you know if anything actually happened.
I actually spent a large part of my weekend in a self imposed timewarp. I didn't set out to give up as much of my time as I did but I got sucked in. I had a nose at my old blog to try and gain a little inspiration for this one. I started rather randomly in April 2005 & ended up reading the whole bloody thing, comments and all, right to it's inevitable fizzling out. And it was glorious.
There are several reasons why I found it so enthralling...
1. On my day, I could really write quite well & often found myself chuckling away to my witticisms.
2. The period I read through chronicled what was a time of many surprises & adventures. I spent a wonderful 4 months in Lyon, I had an unforgettable trip to New York, a fortnight in the Chezc Republic, a week in Belgium & a weekend in Amsterdam all in the space of 12 months. Happy days! There was also the start of a new relationship & the excitement of my musical exploits which had just been realised in the shape of my first album; "Confessions of an Idiot".
3. What a tremendous sense of community there was around the place. Now I count myself very lucky that I made some fabulous friendships through the blog & some of these people are still available to me through Facebook. There used to be loads of us though, like a big party round the comments sections of each other's blogs day after day. There were people who I'd forgotten about, people who I still know & people who I miss dearly & don't know how to get hold of again. Many, many friends who consoled me in times of trouble & congratulated me in times of triumph. Wonderful. I really did smile an awful lot while reading back through all that joyous interaction.
The downside of this little trip to the past was that it only served to underline how very crap things are now. I've already mentioned my hermit status but I feel the need to point out that it's not necessarily a choice. Now I count myself very lucky that I have several fine friends & many people who really do care about me. The trouble is hardly any of them are here, some don't even share my continent. My family are up in Yorkshire. God bless my sister, she has been brilliant in making an effort to keep me sane since she found out just how bad I've been feeling, but even with her best efforts there's only so much she can do from so far away. I only have one real friend left here in this shithole of a town &, bless her, she's in that newly loved up state with someone. I remember what that is like so don't mind that I don't see much of her. She does pop round now & again & she's due to visit on Saturday with a bottle of vodka, which will be really nice. Then there's Phil, down in Somerset which may as well be the Ukraine for how accessible it currently is for me. And of course there is Rob & Sussann who are relatively close but again without a car or any sort of spare money may as well be on the moon.
This got me thinking, all my people in this country are part of a couple, which, I suppose, most people are. This caused me to conclude that while they may well deeply care about me & want my company from time to time, they don't need me. Whereas I really do need them. The lack of adult company in my life at the moment really does get me down a lot.
So in summation; going back over my life from 5/6 years ago made me smile & made me thankful for all the wonder of the time.
Now; woe is me, yadda yadda yadda...
I actually spent a large part of my weekend in a self imposed timewarp. I didn't set out to give up as much of my time as I did but I got sucked in. I had a nose at my old blog to try and gain a little inspiration for this one. I started rather randomly in April 2005 & ended up reading the whole bloody thing, comments and all, right to it's inevitable fizzling out. And it was glorious.
There are several reasons why I found it so enthralling...
1. On my day, I could really write quite well & often found myself chuckling away to my witticisms.
2. The period I read through chronicled what was a time of many surprises & adventures. I spent a wonderful 4 months in Lyon, I had an unforgettable trip to New York, a fortnight in the Chezc Republic, a week in Belgium & a weekend in Amsterdam all in the space of 12 months. Happy days! There was also the start of a new relationship & the excitement of my musical exploits which had just been realised in the shape of my first album; "Confessions of an Idiot".
3. What a tremendous sense of community there was around the place. Now I count myself very lucky that I made some fabulous friendships through the blog & some of these people are still available to me through Facebook. There used to be loads of us though, like a big party round the comments sections of each other's blogs day after day. There were people who I'd forgotten about, people who I still know & people who I miss dearly & don't know how to get hold of again. Many, many friends who consoled me in times of trouble & congratulated me in times of triumph. Wonderful. I really did smile an awful lot while reading back through all that joyous interaction.
The downside of this little trip to the past was that it only served to underline how very crap things are now. I've already mentioned my hermit status but I feel the need to point out that it's not necessarily a choice. Now I count myself very lucky that I have several fine friends & many people who really do care about me. The trouble is hardly any of them are here, some don't even share my continent. My family are up in Yorkshire. God bless my sister, she has been brilliant in making an effort to keep me sane since she found out just how bad I've been feeling, but even with her best efforts there's only so much she can do from so far away. I only have one real friend left here in this shithole of a town &, bless her, she's in that newly loved up state with someone. I remember what that is like so don't mind that I don't see much of her. She does pop round now & again & she's due to visit on Saturday with a bottle of vodka, which will be really nice. Then there's Phil, down in Somerset which may as well be the Ukraine for how accessible it currently is for me. And of course there is Rob & Sussann who are relatively close but again without a car or any sort of spare money may as well be on the moon.
This got me thinking, all my people in this country are part of a couple, which, I suppose, most people are. This caused me to conclude that while they may well deeply care about me & want my company from time to time, they don't need me. Whereas I really do need them. The lack of adult company in my life at the moment really does get me down a lot.
So in summation; going back over my life from 5/6 years ago made me smile & made me thankful for all the wonder of the time.
Now; woe is me, yadda yadda yadda...
Wednesday 19 October 2011
Always know the prospects, learn to expect nothing, nothing
I managed to acquire the new Coldplay album the other day. I've listened to it 3 times now & I'm very sorry to say I've found it extremely underwhelming. There's not a hint of the sort of genius found in, say "the Scientist" or "Speed of Sound" or even "Viva la Vida". It just plods by with little to offer & nothing really sticks in the memory. I'm a big fan of Coldplay & I personally believe they've made some outstanding music before this, so I am naturally quite disappointed.
Though not entirely surprised.
See, here's the thing; Very little has really excited my musical taste buds lately. I'm wondering if it's just me, a predictable part of the ageing process perhaps? After all, the vast majority of what I hear from the charts is exceptionally bad to my ears. And that just reminds me of my Dad's regular grumblings every Thursday night during Top of the Pops. However, even bands & artists that are part of my musical DNA are now starting to disappoint with alarming regularity. So far this year I have got 26 new albums, some of which, such as the Kooks, Hard Fi & Beady Eye, came with little expectation anyway & proved me right. Some (Kasabian, Noah & The Whale, Noel Gallagher) have some truly great tunes but don't really cut it as a whole. I quite like the Arctic Monkeys album but then I wasn't expecting much having been disappointed by the last one, on a similar note I've been very pleasantly surprised by Duran Duran's latest effort. Didn't see that one coming!
And don't even get me started with "the King of Limbs".
The only albums that have got me really going & have warranted many repeat listens are Miles Kane's "The Colour of the Trap" & my own masterpiece-in-waiting "The Baggage Carousel" (which I'm sure I'll ramble on about another day)
The saddest thing is, I really do suspect that it's because I'm getting older. And if that's true & the enjoyment I get from my one true lifelong source of pleasure is really diminishing; Well, that really does make me a very sad panda indeed.
Though not entirely surprised.
See, here's the thing; Very little has really excited my musical taste buds lately. I'm wondering if it's just me, a predictable part of the ageing process perhaps? After all, the vast majority of what I hear from the charts is exceptionally bad to my ears. And that just reminds me of my Dad's regular grumblings every Thursday night during Top of the Pops. However, even bands & artists that are part of my musical DNA are now starting to disappoint with alarming regularity. So far this year I have got 26 new albums, some of which, such as the Kooks, Hard Fi & Beady Eye, came with little expectation anyway & proved me right. Some (Kasabian, Noah & The Whale, Noel Gallagher) have some truly great tunes but don't really cut it as a whole. I quite like the Arctic Monkeys album but then I wasn't expecting much having been disappointed by the last one, on a similar note I've been very pleasantly surprised by Duran Duran's latest effort. Didn't see that one coming!
And don't even get me started with "the King of Limbs".
The only albums that have got me really going & have warranted many repeat listens are Miles Kane's "The Colour of the Trap" & my own masterpiece-in-waiting "The Baggage Carousel" (which I'm sure I'll ramble on about another day)
The saddest thing is, I really do suspect that it's because I'm getting older. And if that's true & the enjoyment I get from my one true lifelong source of pleasure is really diminishing; Well, that really does make me a very sad panda indeed.
Friday 14 October 2011
Everybody wades through the same coloured shit but it doesn't drag everyone down
So as the acid bath of heartbreak started corroding every speck of my self worth I, rather predictably, started writing some songs (more of that later). A line from one of them goes "...but better is a relative term, there's not much room for things to get worse". It's almost funny how very, very wrong I was.
So that was July of last year. The rest of 2010 was spent trying to cope at work mostly & adjusting to my new life of being a hermit. I did go out in Milton Keynes for a very special colleagues leaving do. It was ok until I, without warning, started blubbing in the nightclub. Not a good look. The works Xmas party was actually pretty cool & briefly gave me hope that things could be on the up. Then came 2011. For a short while I was seeing an old friend in a "friends with benefits" arrangement but, as lovely as she was, it was destined not to work out mainly because I was still far too fucked up over Natalie.
Major digression alert! How mad is this? The lady in question lived in Yorkshire & her house is literally next door but one to the house my biological mother (whom I've never met) lived in at the time of my birth. I'd be in her back garden having a fag looking at this house & marvelling at the strangeness of life. My friend knew the occupants of said house & their parents had it before them & they remembered hearing about the scandal of the child born out of wedlock. That was me! Scandalous before I could even talk.
Anyway it was about April when things started to really unravel. Now this could take awhile & could potentially be quite dull. I apologise in advance if that proves to be the case. Around this time my boss at work announced that she was going to be leaving. This led to me applying for her position. Now I didn't really expect to get the job as registered Manager of a children's home was a bit too much of a step up. Still, my boss backed me & I thought it was worth a shot. A couple of weeks later I got a letter stating I was unsuccessful. This wasn't unexpected but I was a bit disgruntled not to have been considered for an interview. The next day I received another item of mail from work, some literature relating to a training course I'd recently been on. It was notable because it proclaimed on the front of the folder in big letters: Welcome to the next stage of your career. I was a little miffed with this & went & uploaded a picture of the offending statement to facebook along with the comment; "What a delightful sense of irony my employers have demonstrated today". I must point out that neither I nor the photo made any reference to the company at all. Anyway a couple of weeks later I was given a warning for it as I had gone against company policy in relation to Facebook. At the same time a very long-awaited position of deputy Manager came up in my home, a job that I had been waiting for for a good 2 years. I was specifically told that my recent "disciplinary problem" would not affect my application for this position. Strange then that a couple of weeks later I received a letter stating that given my recent warning the company felt it was not the right time for me to be considered for promotion. Bastards!
So that turned out to be the last straw &, though I had been trying really hard not to, I went to the Doctors where unsurprisingly it was confirmed that I was suffering from depression. I'd known this for some time but I'd been reluctant to admit it. So I was signed off work for 6 weeks, which was all well & good except my company didn't pay sick pay so I would only be getting SSP (less than half of my usual wages). When the time came to go back, my doctor recommended that I was eased back into work gradually. This seemed logical & I was asked to "pop in" to work to arrange how we'd work it out. All fine & dandy right? Wrong!
I'll never, ever forget that day. June 1st it was, when I drove to work for the first time in weeks to sort out my immediate future. I knew something was amiss as soon as I got there, my regional manager was there & I was greeted in quite a subdued fashion & led straight into a nearby room for the meeting. As it turned out the meeting had nothing to do with my return to work but was instead to inform me that while I'd been off several allegations had been made against me my members of staff. A couple of these were minor things relating to my practice but one of them was, to all intents & purposes, an accusation of sexual harassment from a junior colleague. I was deeply shocked & really don't feel the need to justify myself. It was a laughable accusation which of course was later found to have no grounding in fact whatsoever. Anyway the upshot of this was I would now be suspended on full pay pending an investigation (yay for full pay). So I drove home. I was about half a mile from home when I was pulled over by the police who were doing random spot-checks on cars. Now many times in my life this would've freaked me out as I've not always been too hot on making sure my car was in good shape or MOT'd or taxed. However on this occasion I had no worries. Which only made my shock much more profound when the very nice officer told me that my driving license had been revoked about two years earlier. Apparently when my license had been endorsed at an earlier time I hadn't sent it off to DVLA to be sorted out. Except I had. Turned out though that I'd needed to send it back again which I hadn't. Police protocol on such matters is that they immediately impound the car. Which would subsequently would cost me near on £200 to get back, this cost rose by £25 a day. As I'd already pointed out, because I'd been off sick I'd been getting a significantly reduced wage. Basically I couldn't afford to set my car free so I never saw it again. 3 weeks later I got a letter telling me it had been destroyed. So that was a good day.
Weeks later, with the investigation complete, I was finally allowed to go back to work. However I no longer had a car, I was still deeply depressed & I could not bear the notion of working with the conniving little mare that had stitched me up. So I quit. Now I know this was quite foolish but the bottom line was I simply couldn't get there without a car. So now I'm depressed and unemployed. Oh & soon to be evicted from my flat. This will happen soon, I expecting the letter any day now. It's inevitable & unfixable. I do have somewhere to go so I'm not gonna be on the streets (yet!) but I'm dreading telling Travis. In some ways I'm almost looking forward to it though. A new start has a certain appeal.
On top of all that I really have become a hermit. I rarely go out, perhaps once a day to get milk & stuff. In the last month I've probably spent about 10 hours in adult company. If I didn't have my computer & x-box I'm sure I would have gone fully mad by now.
So back at the beginning I raised 3 questions. I believe I've answered where I've been & what I've been doing. All that remains is why I'm back in Blogland. It's quite simple really, I'm lonely. I need some sort of adult interaction, I need to be listened to & I need to feel some warmth from somewhere. So far it's a decision I'm very glad I made and it's frighteningly nice that even though I've not been round for ages I've already had exactly what I was after, a little bit of love. Thank you people, I don't deserve you.
And now we're all up to date (well sort of, there is music to discuss) & free to start documenting the day to day doings of my fabulous world of dullness. Bet you can't wait, eh?
So that was July of last year. The rest of 2010 was spent trying to cope at work mostly & adjusting to my new life of being a hermit. I did go out in Milton Keynes for a very special colleagues leaving do. It was ok until I, without warning, started blubbing in the nightclub. Not a good look. The works Xmas party was actually pretty cool & briefly gave me hope that things could be on the up. Then came 2011. For a short while I was seeing an old friend in a "friends with benefits" arrangement but, as lovely as she was, it was destined not to work out mainly because I was still far too fucked up over Natalie.
Major digression alert! How mad is this? The lady in question lived in Yorkshire & her house is literally next door but one to the house my biological mother (whom I've never met) lived in at the time of my birth. I'd be in her back garden having a fag looking at this house & marvelling at the strangeness of life. My friend knew the occupants of said house & their parents had it before them & they remembered hearing about the scandal of the child born out of wedlock. That was me! Scandalous before I could even talk.
Anyway it was about April when things started to really unravel. Now this could take awhile & could potentially be quite dull. I apologise in advance if that proves to be the case. Around this time my boss at work announced that she was going to be leaving. This led to me applying for her position. Now I didn't really expect to get the job as registered Manager of a children's home was a bit too much of a step up. Still, my boss backed me & I thought it was worth a shot. A couple of weeks later I got a letter stating I was unsuccessful. This wasn't unexpected but I was a bit disgruntled not to have been considered for an interview. The next day I received another item of mail from work, some literature relating to a training course I'd recently been on. It was notable because it proclaimed on the front of the folder in big letters: Welcome to the next stage of your career. I was a little miffed with this & went & uploaded a picture of the offending statement to facebook along with the comment; "What a delightful sense of irony my employers have demonstrated today". I must point out that neither I nor the photo made any reference to the company at all. Anyway a couple of weeks later I was given a warning for it as I had gone against company policy in relation to Facebook. At the same time a very long-awaited position of deputy Manager came up in my home, a job that I had been waiting for for a good 2 years. I was specifically told that my recent "disciplinary problem" would not affect my application for this position. Strange then that a couple of weeks later I received a letter stating that given my recent warning the company felt it was not the right time for me to be considered for promotion. Bastards!
So that turned out to be the last straw &, though I had been trying really hard not to, I went to the Doctors where unsurprisingly it was confirmed that I was suffering from depression. I'd known this for some time but I'd been reluctant to admit it. So I was signed off work for 6 weeks, which was all well & good except my company didn't pay sick pay so I would only be getting SSP (less than half of my usual wages). When the time came to go back, my doctor recommended that I was eased back into work gradually. This seemed logical & I was asked to "pop in" to work to arrange how we'd work it out. All fine & dandy right? Wrong!
I'll never, ever forget that day. June 1st it was, when I drove to work for the first time in weeks to sort out my immediate future. I knew something was amiss as soon as I got there, my regional manager was there & I was greeted in quite a subdued fashion & led straight into a nearby room for the meeting. As it turned out the meeting had nothing to do with my return to work but was instead to inform me that while I'd been off several allegations had been made against me my members of staff. A couple of these were minor things relating to my practice but one of them was, to all intents & purposes, an accusation of sexual harassment from a junior colleague. I was deeply shocked & really don't feel the need to justify myself. It was a laughable accusation which of course was later found to have no grounding in fact whatsoever. Anyway the upshot of this was I would now be suspended on full pay pending an investigation (yay for full pay). So I drove home. I was about half a mile from home when I was pulled over by the police who were doing random spot-checks on cars. Now many times in my life this would've freaked me out as I've not always been too hot on making sure my car was in good shape or MOT'd or taxed. However on this occasion I had no worries. Which only made my shock much more profound when the very nice officer told me that my driving license had been revoked about two years earlier. Apparently when my license had been endorsed at an earlier time I hadn't sent it off to DVLA to be sorted out. Except I had. Turned out though that I'd needed to send it back again which I hadn't. Police protocol on such matters is that they immediately impound the car. Which would subsequently would cost me near on £200 to get back, this cost rose by £25 a day. As I'd already pointed out, because I'd been off sick I'd been getting a significantly reduced wage. Basically I couldn't afford to set my car free so I never saw it again. 3 weeks later I got a letter telling me it had been destroyed. So that was a good day.
Weeks later, with the investigation complete, I was finally allowed to go back to work. However I no longer had a car, I was still deeply depressed & I could not bear the notion of working with the conniving little mare that had stitched me up. So I quit. Now I know this was quite foolish but the bottom line was I simply couldn't get there without a car. So now I'm depressed and unemployed. Oh & soon to be evicted from my flat. This will happen soon, I expecting the letter any day now. It's inevitable & unfixable. I do have somewhere to go so I'm not gonna be on the streets (yet!) but I'm dreading telling Travis. In some ways I'm almost looking forward to it though. A new start has a certain appeal.
On top of all that I really have become a hermit. I rarely go out, perhaps once a day to get milk & stuff. In the last month I've probably spent about 10 hours in adult company. If I didn't have my computer & x-box I'm sure I would have gone fully mad by now.
So back at the beginning I raised 3 questions. I believe I've answered where I've been & what I've been doing. All that remains is why I'm back in Blogland. It's quite simple really, I'm lonely. I need some sort of adult interaction, I need to be listened to & I need to feel some warmth from somewhere. So far it's a decision I'm very glad I made and it's frighteningly nice that even though I've not been round for ages I've already had exactly what I was after, a little bit of love. Thank you people, I don't deserve you.
And now we're all up to date (well sort of, there is music to discuss) & free to start documenting the day to day doings of my fabulous world of dullness. Bet you can't wait, eh?
Saturday 8 October 2011
If I hadn't seen such riches I could live with being poor
(Yes I'm sure I already used that lyric back in the day but it works, ok? Wanna make something of it? DO YOU??)
2010; Fucking horrible bastard that it turned out to be actually started out quite brightly. Again, the devil had to relinquish control of January as first off a fella called Jermaine Beckford scored a goal that meant my beloved Leeds United (who were now languishing in English football's 3rd tier) beat Manchester United 1-0 at Old Trafford, knocking them out of the FA cup. Ha! Following that Natalie ensured that my big 4-0 birthday was one to remember. We had a trip up to Manchester for a night out followed by a little soiree at my place for a small posse of friends. She also bought me a rather lovely electric guitar which to my continued shame remains largely unused. It just looks at me. With her eyes. Anyway so January was cracking.
Now comes the time to delve a little deeper into the details of our relationship, it's frankly bizarre logistics, my inherent uselessness &, of course, the other love of my life; my son.
It would be unfair to say that Natalie & Travis never got on, but there was always something of a friction between them. Genuinely not wanting to sound like a dickhead here but basically they were, no matter how hard I tried, in conflict with each other over my attention. Also, as old school readers may recall, I'm devoted to my son & strongly believe it's my responsibility to play as active a role in his life as I can. This often proved difficult as my duty & my desire to fulfill that duty often meant that Nat & I couldn't be as spontaneous & carefree as we'd like to be. From her side of the issue, it was quite hard as a 25 year old with no ties of her own to take. When the inevitable split came I pointed out to her that he'd been there from the start & she knew what she was getting into. To her credit she admitted that she'd been quite naive about it & thought it "would be like a hobby". Anyway I'm getting ahead of myself.
By now she had gotten herself a really good job in Bedford. She was, quite rightly, keen on doing well in her career & the opportunity was too good to turn down. This meant that that she was working a normal 9-5 Monday to Friday work pattern while I was still working 24 hour shifts including weekends. When factoring that in with my need to see Travis on a regular basis we would sometimes only get to see each other maybe twice a week. This in itself had very contrasting effects on us. While she would spent many nights alone wondering why she had a boyfriend she never saw, I would be frantically trying to juggle the 3 separate demands on my time of Natalie, Travis & work. This led to me being permanently tired &, according to her, under a visible amount of pressure.
Then there was money. Natalie comes from a fairly well off middle class background, had a nice chunk of money in the bank that was bequeathed to her & by now was earning a reasonable salary. Ironically, so was I, for the first time in my life. However once I'd paid my child support for Trav, the ever-increasing cost of petrol to & from Bedford on an almost daily basis & all the other stuff there ended up being quite an imbalance in the amount of disposable income we each had to play with. The obvious solution to this was to live together. That way our combined income with greatly reduced outgoings would put us in a fairly comfortable position. This was supposed to be our goal. We'd spoken about wanting to get married & have children of our own one day. Again I'm sorry to refer to old school readers but they would see how much of an illustration of my love for Natalie that was as I'd previously sworn on all that was holy to me (such as Depeche Mode) that I would never, ever remarry. We couldn't agree on a location though. Bedford wasn't a realistic option for me as it was too far from Trav, especially as he approaches the age where he can come to mine under his own steam when he chooses or needs to (And he will NEED to get away from his mother sometimes!). Likewise, Crapsville would be too far for Natalie to travel to work & too far from her family. Northampton would've been the logical solution but we never got to that.
Speaking of money forces me to admit my lifelong failure to manage the fucking stuff with any degree of success (more of which later) & despite her trying really hard Natalie couldn't ignore that & subsequently came to the conclusion that I would never be able to provide the sort of security that a man should be able to give to his woman. And she was, with a 99% degree of probability, right.
Still we fought on for a while, mainly because despite all the other shit, we still deeply adored each other. Our last great event together came in Street, Somerset as we & my very special friends Rob & Sussann journeyed down there for Phil's 40th birthday shindig. And quite a night it was too. It was a 70's theme fancy dress affair & by crikey we looked spectacular. Natalie looked beautiful & glamorous in a Sharon Stone in Casino kind of get up. Rob looked ace as a punk from '77 & Sussann had a sort of Abba-esque outfit going on. Me? Well first I should let you know that I had been growing my hair over this whole period & by this point I was sporting a pile of long curly locks atop my bonce (a bit like Alan Davies perhaps). So when I tried on my costume in the shop it was perfect. The 4th Doctor (Doctor Who) in full-on Tom Baker mode. I'll put a piccy up sometime if you like. Anyroad, it were a reet cracking night & proved to be the last of Natalie & I's many great nights.
Little over a month later the day came. Now Nat & I never had a cross word during our two years together. And even now I would gladly die to defend her honour. I won't have a bad word said against her. However, the timing of the bombshell was absolutely atrocious. In a nutshell, she basically dumped me the day after Trav's birthday. While she knew I was about to take him to London for his big birthday day out. It's the only thing I'll never forgive her for. I forgive her for leaving me & tearing my world to bits because I understand why she did it, even though I didn't want it obviously. To his eternal credit, my only just 11 year old boyo took it in his stride & was very understanding when I had to explain that I wasn't really in the best of shape to take him to London. It's funny really, ever since that day I'm sure he's been able to see the seismic changes in me but he's never once mentioned her. I dare say, that in his childlike worldview he was quite glad to see the back of her. Whereas I would gladly give up a limb right now just to be able to gaze upon her back.
So that was it. She left. I obviously pleaded, begged & tried to show her that I could see the error of my ways & that I would fix everything. Alas, she was resolute. And so I was truly & utterly heartbroken. I'd felt heartbreak before but never on this level. My world simply collapsed in front of me. And the hardest thing to take was that we had never fallen out of love, I know she still adored me as I did her, even as the death knell was sounding. She had just had the foresight, intelligence & wisdom to foresee what a continued life with me would be like. And despite the heartbreak that caused her, she knew she couldn't live that life.
I don't blame her.
*OH.MY.GOD!*
Having just drunkenly decided to drop in on some old blog friends to alert them to my presence back in the blogosphere, I happened upon a link to this shortlived blog that I'd totally forgotten that I did! I'm currently crying & smiling simultaneously as it totally backs up what I've been banging on about regarding happier times http://theadventuresofagentorange.blogspot.com/
2010; Fucking horrible bastard that it turned out to be actually started out quite brightly. Again, the devil had to relinquish control of January as first off a fella called Jermaine Beckford scored a goal that meant my beloved Leeds United (who were now languishing in English football's 3rd tier) beat Manchester United 1-0 at Old Trafford, knocking them out of the FA cup. Ha! Following that Natalie ensured that my big 4-0 birthday was one to remember. We had a trip up to Manchester for a night out followed by a little soiree at my place for a small posse of friends. She also bought me a rather lovely electric guitar which to my continued shame remains largely unused. It just looks at me. With her eyes. Anyway so January was cracking.
Now comes the time to delve a little deeper into the details of our relationship, it's frankly bizarre logistics, my inherent uselessness &, of course, the other love of my life; my son.
It would be unfair to say that Natalie & Travis never got on, but there was always something of a friction between them. Genuinely not wanting to sound like a dickhead here but basically they were, no matter how hard I tried, in conflict with each other over my attention. Also, as old school readers may recall, I'm devoted to my son & strongly believe it's my responsibility to play as active a role in his life as I can. This often proved difficult as my duty & my desire to fulfill that duty often meant that Nat & I couldn't be as spontaneous & carefree as we'd like to be. From her side of the issue, it was quite hard as a 25 year old with no ties of her own to take. When the inevitable split came I pointed out to her that he'd been there from the start & she knew what she was getting into. To her credit she admitted that she'd been quite naive about it & thought it "would be like a hobby". Anyway I'm getting ahead of myself.
By now she had gotten herself a really good job in Bedford. She was, quite rightly, keen on doing well in her career & the opportunity was too good to turn down. This meant that that she was working a normal 9-5 Monday to Friday work pattern while I was still working 24 hour shifts including weekends. When factoring that in with my need to see Travis on a regular basis we would sometimes only get to see each other maybe twice a week. This in itself had very contrasting effects on us. While she would spent many nights alone wondering why she had a boyfriend she never saw, I would be frantically trying to juggle the 3 separate demands on my time of Natalie, Travis & work. This led to me being permanently tired &, according to her, under a visible amount of pressure.
Then there was money. Natalie comes from a fairly well off middle class background, had a nice chunk of money in the bank that was bequeathed to her & by now was earning a reasonable salary. Ironically, so was I, for the first time in my life. However once I'd paid my child support for Trav, the ever-increasing cost of petrol to & from Bedford on an almost daily basis & all the other stuff there ended up being quite an imbalance in the amount of disposable income we each had to play with. The obvious solution to this was to live together. That way our combined income with greatly reduced outgoings would put us in a fairly comfortable position. This was supposed to be our goal. We'd spoken about wanting to get married & have children of our own one day. Again I'm sorry to refer to old school readers but they would see how much of an illustration of my love for Natalie that was as I'd previously sworn on all that was holy to me (such as Depeche Mode) that I would never, ever remarry. We couldn't agree on a location though. Bedford wasn't a realistic option for me as it was too far from Trav, especially as he approaches the age where he can come to mine under his own steam when he chooses or needs to (And he will NEED to get away from his mother sometimes!). Likewise, Crapsville would be too far for Natalie to travel to work & too far from her family. Northampton would've been the logical solution but we never got to that.
Speaking of money forces me to admit my lifelong failure to manage the fucking stuff with any degree of success (more of which later) & despite her trying really hard Natalie couldn't ignore that & subsequently came to the conclusion that I would never be able to provide the sort of security that a man should be able to give to his woman. And she was, with a 99% degree of probability, right.
Still we fought on for a while, mainly because despite all the other shit, we still deeply adored each other. Our last great event together came in Street, Somerset as we & my very special friends Rob & Sussann journeyed down there for Phil's 40th birthday shindig. And quite a night it was too. It was a 70's theme fancy dress affair & by crikey we looked spectacular. Natalie looked beautiful & glamorous in a Sharon Stone in Casino kind of get up. Rob looked ace as a punk from '77 & Sussann had a sort of Abba-esque outfit going on. Me? Well first I should let you know that I had been growing my hair over this whole period & by this point I was sporting a pile of long curly locks atop my bonce (a bit like Alan Davies perhaps). So when I tried on my costume in the shop it was perfect. The 4th Doctor (Doctor Who) in full-on Tom Baker mode. I'll put a piccy up sometime if you like. Anyroad, it were a reet cracking night & proved to be the last of Natalie & I's many great nights.
Little over a month later the day came. Now Nat & I never had a cross word during our two years together. And even now I would gladly die to defend her honour. I won't have a bad word said against her. However, the timing of the bombshell was absolutely atrocious. In a nutshell, she basically dumped me the day after Trav's birthday. While she knew I was about to take him to London for his big birthday day out. It's the only thing I'll never forgive her for. I forgive her for leaving me & tearing my world to bits because I understand why she did it, even though I didn't want it obviously. To his eternal credit, my only just 11 year old boyo took it in his stride & was very understanding when I had to explain that I wasn't really in the best of shape to take him to London. It's funny really, ever since that day I'm sure he's been able to see the seismic changes in me but he's never once mentioned her. I dare say, that in his childlike worldview he was quite glad to see the back of her. Whereas I would gladly give up a limb right now just to be able to gaze upon her back.
So that was it. She left. I obviously pleaded, begged & tried to show her that I could see the error of my ways & that I would fix everything. Alas, she was resolute. And so I was truly & utterly heartbroken. I'd felt heartbreak before but never on this level. My world simply collapsed in front of me. And the hardest thing to take was that we had never fallen out of love, I know she still adored me as I did her, even as the death knell was sounding. She had just had the foresight, intelligence & wisdom to foresee what a continued life with me would be like. And despite the heartbreak that caused her, she knew she couldn't live that life.
I don't blame her.
*OH.MY.GOD!*
Having just drunkenly decided to drop in on some old blog friends to alert them to my presence back in the blogosphere, I happened upon a link to this shortlived blog that I'd totally forgotten that I did! I'm currently crying & smiling simultaneously as it totally backs up what I've been banging on about regarding happier times http://theadventuresofagentorange.blogspot.com/
I believe in happiness, I believe in love, I believe she fell to earth from somewhere high above
2009 began, as every year does, with the frightful abomination that is January. However this January was different because this year the devil's month saw an angel move in with me. And so began a year so awesome, so joyous, so full of unmitigated bliss that I still expect to receive a bill for it. Not only did I continue to bathe in love's clearest waters but I also got another promotion at work. I was driving a half decent motor as well (by my usual standards anyway)! Highlights included a smashing night out in Bristol with my dear friend Phil & our respective Natalies where he took us to a simply fabulous place called Karaoke Me where (as the name suggests) you get a private room for your party & you sing to your heart's content. A trip to Lincoln for Nat's birthday which did involve some disappointment as the 5 star hotel I'd booked had to put us in a room without a 4 poster bed in it. (Grrr). A blistering night out in Derby, where we drank the most fantastic cocktails in what was once the local of old blog friend Charby (I seem to remember texting her to tell her at the time, not sure, I was very, very drunk) & ended up taking a bottle of quite expensive champagne back to our room & having an immoral amount of fun. Then there was our anniversary of being together for a year. We went to Brussels & had a long weekend of drink & debauchery in Belgium's capitol. This also included my personal highlight of 25 years of sexual activity. They were just the notable highlights though, the real pleasure was just in us being together, day after day, night after night. The shine couldn't even be taken off the year when, in November, work, family & logistic pressures meant that Natalie had to move out & return to her native Bedford. It should have though for, unbeknownst at the time, that was the beginning of the end. Still at the time it didn't & we brought in the 2nd decade of the new millennium together at a house party with her friends in her (rather posh) home village outside Bedford. I'm sure other stuff of note happened during 2009 but I'm buggered if I can remember anything but the glorious year of Me, Natalie & our shared ecstasy. And history being what it is, that can never, ever change.
I hate to turn up out of the blue, uninvited but I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it
Hello.
Yes, it really is me. Back again.
Where have I been? What have I been doing? Why am I back in the blogosphere? All good questions that I shall seek to answer over, what I would imagine will be, a few forthcoming posts in addition to this one. There's much to say & one post will not be adequate I'm afraid.
If you've run of out patience with my sporadic forays into the world of blog & would simply like to know if I'm OK then the quick answer would be; No, not really but thanks for asking.
I've been meaning to return to blogland for a while actually but have gotten no further than a few musings in my head &, of course, the obligatory "ooh, that would be a good lyric to use as a post title" observations. Still, here I am typing away like it's 2005 all over again. So where to begin?
Well, my last post was way back in March of 2008 so I'll pick up from there shall I? 2008 actually turned out to be one of the finest years of my whole sorry existence (only bettered by 2009 & run close by 1997). I had embarked on a new career working with young people with "emotional & behavioural difficulties" in a residential home. I not only loved the job but I, rather surprisingly, turned out to be very good at it. I hadn't even completed a year in the role when I was promoted to a more senior role. Who'd have thought it?! I also met lots of really good nice people from all sorts of different walks of life & backgrounds. Having spent the previous 13 years working in a smalltown factory it proved to be quite an eye-opener, quite similar to my earlier Blog years actually when I "met" lots of other new, different & exciting people.
Though I had initially started the job in Northampton, I was unavoidably transferred to a home on the other side of a town some 40 miles away which we'll call Bedford (because that's it's name!)-
Just to digress a moment, I haven't yet developed a plan as to how I'm going to address people in this blog, do I try to retain a soupcon of anonymity for all concerned? Do I fall back on my old "comedy naming in bold letters" system? Do I use initials? Do I just use people's names? I reckon I've got about two sentences to figure it out!
- anyway, Bedford. This meant a considerable amount of driving & that, coupled with the extremely unsociable shift patterns involved, soon led to the demise of my 3 year relationship with my very Nice girlfriend. That and the fact I had become totally smitten with one of my colleagues. And bewilderingly it seemed to be a mutual attraction. Now, old school readers will recall that have often been something of a cad/twat (delete as appropriate) in my dealings with the opposite sex but, on this occasion because of the huge amount of respect I had for my Nice girlfriend, I did the right thing & broke it off with her prior to pursuing any sort of romantic dalliance with my colleague.
Due to the very nature of the work set up my colleague & I had already grown very close over countless conversations while having smoke breaks & several very late night confessionals. There was also a drive to the Suffolk coast with a hour or two stop off spent walking around a wonderfully sunny Cambridge where we both (unspoken at the time but later confessed to) realised there was some very special chemistry going on. In fact that splendid day was only spoilt by having to pick up a surly teenager from his family contact & having to spend the whole journey back biting our lips. Earlier I mentioned that I was bewildered that the attraction was mutual. This wasn't down to my usual self-deprecating outlook, it was because said colleague was most definitely out of my league. She was proper gorgeous, a real life beautiful woman. And not just that very lovely kind of gorgeous that people tend to become when you've developed strong feelings for them. Proper, bona-fide, turn around in the street to look at her beautiful with a wonderful slender body to match. Of course, this was just an extremely welcome bonus as it was who she was that I fell in love with, not what she looked like. After all, there are lots of attractive people out there who are ugly to the core. She was also elegant & classy, funny & clever &, quite crucially, 15 years my junior. Anyway it was only the 2nd time we'd seen each other out of work when on August 15th 2008 Natalie & I went out for a few drinks in Bedford. The next morning we awoke in a hotel room & to all intents & purposes had become a couple overnight. And thus began the most beautifully blissful period of my life. A love markedly different from any I'd felt before (& I've loved a few!). A pure love, a love that wasn't wrong & wasn't hurting anybody else. And most importantly, a love where both parties felt exactly the same way about each other, no discrepancies, no ulterior motives, no insecurities. A love that finally allowed me to truly appreciate the lyrics to the chorus of my favourite ever song- All I ever wanted, all I ever needed is here in my arms.
And then there was the sex. I'll be brief; I've had lots of great sex over the years with several great lovers but, by jiggins, I had no idea how much two people could really enjoy each other. That'll do, feel free to marvel at my restraint or to reach for the sickbags. Your call. The rest of 2008 flew by in a blur of vodka, lust, spur of the moment trips to have mad nights out in different towns & wonderful nights in. Memories now, but I shall cherish them till my dying day. It does seem a very long time ago now. I think I'll take a break there & pick up from the start of 2009 next time.
Yes, it really is me. Back again.
Where have I been? What have I been doing? Why am I back in the blogosphere? All good questions that I shall seek to answer over, what I would imagine will be, a few forthcoming posts in addition to this one. There's much to say & one post will not be adequate I'm afraid.
If you've run of out patience with my sporadic forays into the world of blog & would simply like to know if I'm OK then the quick answer would be; No, not really but thanks for asking.
I've been meaning to return to blogland for a while actually but have gotten no further than a few musings in my head &, of course, the obligatory "ooh, that would be a good lyric to use as a post title" observations. Still, here I am typing away like it's 2005 all over again. So where to begin?
Well, my last post was way back in March of 2008 so I'll pick up from there shall I? 2008 actually turned out to be one of the finest years of my whole sorry existence (only bettered by 2009 & run close by 1997). I had embarked on a new career working with young people with "emotional & behavioural difficulties" in a residential home. I not only loved the job but I, rather surprisingly, turned out to be very good at it. I hadn't even completed a year in the role when I was promoted to a more senior role. Who'd have thought it?! I also met lots of really good nice people from all sorts of different walks of life & backgrounds. Having spent the previous 13 years working in a smalltown factory it proved to be quite an eye-opener, quite similar to my earlier Blog years actually when I "met" lots of other new, different & exciting people.
Though I had initially started the job in Northampton, I was unavoidably transferred to a home on the other side of a town some 40 miles away which we'll call Bedford (because that's it's name!)-
Just to digress a moment, I haven't yet developed a plan as to how I'm going to address people in this blog, do I try to retain a soupcon of anonymity for all concerned? Do I fall back on my old "comedy naming in bold letters" system? Do I use initials? Do I just use people's names? I reckon I've got about two sentences to figure it out!
- anyway, Bedford. This meant a considerable amount of driving & that, coupled with the extremely unsociable shift patterns involved, soon led to the demise of my 3 year relationship with my very Nice girlfriend. That and the fact I had become totally smitten with one of my colleagues. And bewilderingly it seemed to be a mutual attraction. Now, old school readers will recall that have often been something of a cad/twat (delete as appropriate) in my dealings with the opposite sex but, on this occasion because of the huge amount of respect I had for my Nice girlfriend, I did the right thing & broke it off with her prior to pursuing any sort of romantic dalliance with my colleague.
Due to the very nature of the work set up my colleague & I had already grown very close over countless conversations while having smoke breaks & several very late night confessionals. There was also a drive to the Suffolk coast with a hour or two stop off spent walking around a wonderfully sunny Cambridge where we both (unspoken at the time but later confessed to) realised there was some very special chemistry going on. In fact that splendid day was only spoilt by having to pick up a surly teenager from his family contact & having to spend the whole journey back biting our lips. Earlier I mentioned that I was bewildered that the attraction was mutual. This wasn't down to my usual self-deprecating outlook, it was because said colleague was most definitely out of my league. She was proper gorgeous, a real life beautiful woman. And not just that very lovely kind of gorgeous that people tend to become when you've developed strong feelings for them. Proper, bona-fide, turn around in the street to look at her beautiful with a wonderful slender body to match. Of course, this was just an extremely welcome bonus as it was who she was that I fell in love with, not what she looked like. After all, there are lots of attractive people out there who are ugly to the core. She was also elegant & classy, funny & clever &, quite crucially, 15 years my junior. Anyway it was only the 2nd time we'd seen each other out of work when on August 15th 2008 Natalie & I went out for a few drinks in Bedford. The next morning we awoke in a hotel room & to all intents & purposes had become a couple overnight. And thus began the most beautifully blissful period of my life. A love markedly different from any I'd felt before (& I've loved a few!). A pure love, a love that wasn't wrong & wasn't hurting anybody else. And most importantly, a love where both parties felt exactly the same way about each other, no discrepancies, no ulterior motives, no insecurities. A love that finally allowed me to truly appreciate the lyrics to the chorus of my favourite ever song- All I ever wanted, all I ever needed is here in my arms.
And then there was the sex. I'll be brief; I've had lots of great sex over the years with several great lovers but, by jiggins, I had no idea how much two people could really enjoy each other. That'll do, feel free to marvel at my restraint or to reach for the sickbags. Your call. The rest of 2008 flew by in a blur of vodka, lust, spur of the moment trips to have mad nights out in different towns & wonderful nights in. Memories now, but I shall cherish them till my dying day. It does seem a very long time ago now. I think I'll take a break there & pick up from the start of 2009 next time.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)